Kelly Rigg (00:02.15)
Hello everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Big Home Ed conversations. So we are here today, myself, Kelly and Ashley, as always, to essentially chat to you guys about slowing down. But I also wanted to really kind of caveat to that and the fact that actually when I first started thinking about slowing down and I've basically done this kind of massive cull for my half term, we have literally cancelled everything that actually was
really interesting is that where the slowing down happened, I created space. What actually helped me to do is to step back and to kind of actually look at the bigger picture, which has meant that I then filled the space with things which have actually just been really cleansing in their own way. And I will get into it bit more in a minute. But I wanted to kind of stress that if the thought of slowing down makes you want to punch this in the face.
Ashley Vanerio (00:43.022)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (00:56.124)
that this isn't going to be all about just literally just like, just take it easy. Just don't do any work that week. Like it's that easy. Like you're still going to have your kids. You're still going to have work. You're still going to have housework to do. You're still going to have things that you're doing. And as much as it's easy to say slow down and just let it all go for a minute, like sometimes that's not someone's idea of relaxing. That can actually be really very stressful in its own right. So bear with us on this one. I think it's going to be an interesting conversation.
Ashley Vanerio (01:08.909)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (01:26.14)
But I think firstly as well, I also wanted to thank you all for your patience whilst we had a short half term break. Ashley has officially moved house. Woohoo, go you Ashley. It's been a very stressful couple of weeks, but we both basically just had an absolute nightmare. We had little ones having birthdays and then Ashley was moving house and we're like, should we just take a breather? And we'll catch up again very soon. So thank you for your patience, but we are now back.
Ashley Vanerio (01:35.234)
Yes, it's very exciting.
Yeah
Ashley Vanerio (01:48.802)
Yeah
Kelly Rigg (01:55.208)
and we should be running now through until kind of early December-ish. And then we'll take a break over the winter. Which is kind of a little bit about what we wanted to talk about today, wasn't it, actually? We were both saying just now that actually a lot of this sensation that I've been feeling, this desperate need to go inwards, to be home a bit more, to maybe be a little bit less social, to eat really cosy food, is actually like, it's an indicator of our natural human instincts at this time of year.
Ashley Vanerio (01:59.885)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (02:06.199)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (02:23.097)
Hmm.
Kelly Rigg (02:24.626)
to slow down, to go inwards, to have that just lovely connection time with your family, to do all those things. And I think it's really interesting how I do feel like we have started to lose or we have very much lost and we're maybe trying to reclaim, I guess, our human nature. I think that we actually want to hibernate around this time of year. makes me, it really makes me curious about if we really did lose all the hustle culture and the social expectations of this time of year.
Ashley Vanerio (02:46.733)
I do.
Kelly Rigg (02:54.597)
and the fact that obviously the working week just never seems to end, whether or not actually human beings would hibernate.
Ashley Vanerio (03:04.632)
Yeah. I mean, I think there is definitely this just display throughout nature, whether you're looking at plants or animals, whatever, whatever that is, there is a change in the winter season. There is a pause. There is definitely a rest. Obviously that doesn't necessarily mean we're going to lose all our leaves or we're going to sit in a cave for six months. But I think it definitely is this natural.
Kelly Rigg (03:26.664)
You
Ashley Vanerio (03:33.263)
desire to slow down a little bit and to kind of be more inward, to be more cozy, to be more in your house, to light the candles, to make the cookies. And of course our seasonal holidays tend to kind of echo that, but they also push us to be very busy. We have to attend the parties, we have to host the dinners, we have to, if you're
you know, the person or family that does most of the holiday shopping and preparation for Christmas, like that is a big weight. And so I think that we definitely now, even if we went back, you know, 50 years, because I feel like my mom was pretty busy when I was a little so further than that. You know, I think we might see it be slightly different and not so, so fast. And I think that obviously like just,
Kelly Rigg (04:15.741)
Hmm
Ashley Vanerio (04:28.109)
just from a perspective of like consumerism has changed as well. Like our kids are asking for things because they see it everywhere and advertisements and stuff. so I think that's obviously really changed in the past few decades as well. But yeah, I think that it's, you have to kind of fight it. You have to sort of fight that push to do all the things, to attend all the things, all the holiday specials, all of that, just to sort of.
I mean, for me anyway, I would like to ease out of 2024, not race out of it. So I think I'm trying to do some of it, but yeah, be very conscious about how to let some things go so that I can have the experiences with my kids that I want to have.
Kelly Rigg (04:59.794)
Mmm.
Kelly Rigg (05:13.724)
Yeah, I think that's a thing that commercialism in our society has just absolutely fast forwarded in the past 40 or 50 years. And ultimately it has a lot of responsibility for everything that we feel is important, whether it's our looks, what we wear, how we live, what our houses look like, how many toys we buy our kids, how much money we're spending, what our Christmas dinner looks like. There's an awful lot of...
Ashley Vanerio (05:19.022)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (05:28.763)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (05:33.53)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (05:41.23)
of expectations and high demands for Halloween, for fireworks night, for all of it, absolutely all of it seems to require such a huge amount of thought and preparation and planning and doing and so much of it does go unnoticed as well which can be really quite upsetting this time of year when you feel like you put an awful lot of effort in and I know that very recently so this this kind of topic has come up because I've actually I've been having a bit of a hard time.
Ashley Vanerio (05:45.253)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (06:10.542)
And the past kind of, well, this year has been fun for so many different reasons. But the past few weeks, I have really started to notice that so often I'd be planning these days out for the kids and my family and we'd go and one or me or my husband, one of us would be in a bit of a bad mood or the kids would be squabbling all day. We wouldn't really feel like we got much out of it. And actually, then I was like, why have I gone to so much effort? Like, nobody in this family is happy.
Ashley Vanerio (06:15.801)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (06:34.907)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (06:36.87)
Like I'm doing all these things, I'm making all this stuff happen, I'm making all these plans happen, I'm getting you the best stuff, I'm finding you great resources, I'm trying here, I'm I'm sacrificing so much and I realise that obviously this is all the resentment that starts to build up basically when we're setting expectations and sort of hopes and dreams for our family and wanting it to be so intentional and amazing that actually we can really...
Ashley Vanerio (06:51.535)
Sure, of course.
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (07:03.462)
And I don't say resentment lightly. It's not a nice feeling, but it's a real one. And I think it'd be a bit silly not to acknowledge the fact that it's essentially that's what it is, is a feeling of resentment because actually you put an awful lot of quite hidden efforts into making an incredible life, you think, for your family. And when they don't seem like they're appreciating it, and maybe even you aren't appreciating it either, you're like, why am I doing this? Like, why am I literally hustling and racing from day to day to day?
Ashley Vanerio (07:21.522)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (07:33.298)
getting us to all these clubs and groups and things, actually it doesn't really feel like any of us are enjoying. And the truth of the matter is that where we've had some financial difficulties and we've had some other stuff kind of going on personally, it has meant that I am not enjoying things in the same way as I maybe would have done a year or two ago, that I am stressed, that I am distracted, that I'm not very connected with my kids. I'm not actually...
Ashley Vanerio (07:40.017)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (08:02.098)
truly seeing what it is they do enjoy. Do they want to be here? Is this their idea of fun? Am I just thinking this is just what fun looks like and therefore I'm trying to create it to look at that look that way? Like, I don't really know, but I found myself just starting to think that actually what I really seriously need to do is stop. And the concept of that is terrifying. Like I think that even I wanted to punch myself for saying like, just slow down. Sure. Like it's that simple.
Ashley Vanerio (08:25.66)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (08:31.832)
And I literally found myself looking at my calendar and thinking, when, when am I supposed to stop? When am I supposed to truly take a step back and actually look at this situation really like deeply and properly and consider what is going wrong here? And I'm a very self aware person. spend a lot of time doing self growth work and supporting others with it too. And so I've been feeling kind of really disconnected from my practice basically, from my own self care lately.
And essentially I looked at my half term and thought, well, could I cancel everything for half term? Could I just stay home? It's the best week to try and do it. Most of the clubs aren't running anyway. I could probably cancel the other couple that I usually run. Could I genuinely just create a week for myself where I'm genuinely not doing anything else? And it was fascinating how initially it was genuinely the intention was to veg.
Ashley Vanerio (09:13.821)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (09:29.171)
to watch TV, to read books, to bake cookies and enjoy the kids and watch, just do whatever, right? No stress, no massive Halloween dressing up the house, no over the top anything, just literally bare basics, have a nice relaxing week. And what I've noticed instead is as I have created that space and I've had the chance to actually sit and rest, my brain has gone, well, as we've got this time, do you reckon actually we could have a
proper clean in here, like actually thoroughly clean this room, like wouldn't it be amazing to look at it and not go ugh every few seconds, like wouldn't it just be great if all this clutter was put away properly and tidy and organised and like god it would wouldn't it? And so I have, it's hilarious, I have worked so much harder physically this week than I think any other week recently but it has all been so cleansing.
Ashley Vanerio (10:00.431)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (10:06.773)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (10:20.713)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (10:29.152)
And I feel so good for it that actually it's allowed me to have this perspective on other things. Like it started to help me reconnect with the kids, to notice what's going on with them, to consciously and intentionally take the time to make the cookies with them and then sit down and relax and watch a movie together and spend that time with each other. That actually it's been really lovely. And don't get me wrong, I'm definitely looking forward now and going, okay, we are hustling far too often.
Ashley Vanerio (10:57.587)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (10:57.884)
The weeks are just ticking by at a rate of knots and we are not getting enough downtime again. Like it always happens, we end up putting in far too many clubs and groups and stuff in. And I just feel like this is really important to me right now. And I think that you were saying that obviously with moving house, it's been super stressful and I can imagine it's probably felt very similar to your end as well.
Ashley Vanerio (11:07.701)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (11:20.662)
Yeah. And I'm trying to think, as I'm hearing you say this, I'm thinking like, okay, this is good. And as the cadence that we should have for kind of this pause or just like a little slow down, is it just following the half term schedule? Like, because naturally all of the clubs and stuff tend to, to not run during that week. So it does ease us. It creates a nice excuse, right? To say, okay, well, all of the external stuff is being canceled. So we can really focus internally on this week.
and I've never really done that. think I kind of lean into that week and say, this is going to be our catch up week. You know, we're going to catch up on any of the schooling we haven't finished. We're going to catch up on any of the projects they haven't finished, you know, because we don't have to run off to piano or run off to art class or something like that. But now I'm actually thinking like, maybe that's, that's not the way to do it. And we'll take that, that week where all the clubs and stuff are canceled and maybe say like, let's focus.
Kelly Rigg (11:58.694)
Yeah. Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (12:18.395)
internally and on catching up on the house stuff that tends to slip through the cracks because it's so true. And, you know, obviously we've not done anything this week because the clubs and stuff are canceled and because we've been unpacking. I've been really deliberate to not overextend because I tend to be the kind of person who when someone says, like, let's do this. I'm thinking, yeah, let's do that. Like, that's great. We'll get us out of the house. We'll get to catch up with people.
Kelly Rigg (12:24.7)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (12:45.511)
Because that can be really relaxing too, right? If the kids are off playing together and you're able to just catch up with moms, it's filling my cup, my social cup. My kids are getting entertained, they're having a good time. And I'm not having to necessarily entertain them for that moment. So that's always nice. And it's so easy to wanna do that when those opportunities present themselves. this week, mean, just because we have to, we have to get these boxes out of here. We have to unpack. I can't.
Kelly Rigg (12:52.2)
Mmm.
Ashley Vanerio (13:14.423)
I mean, my husband feels it more than I do. Organization is really important to him. It is definitely important to me, but I can, I mean, I'm home with the kids all the time, right? We live here. It's crazy. But like I even, I am starting to feel the creep of that, anxiety of just all this stuff surrounding you. so, yeah, we said this week we're going to focus on that, but I know it's going to spill into the, into the.
Kelly Rigg (13:34.248)
Mm.
Ashley Vanerio (13:43.927)
later weeks and probably months before we're there. But I've definitely felt in that chaos, like a detachment a little bit from my kids. Cause I keep being like, no, no, no, I've got to work on this room. I've got to work on this room. So I was telling you earlier that my little one came up and brought me a book and was saying, you know, mommy, can you read this to me? And I wanted to push it off to bed and be like, no, I'll read it at bedtime or no, I just can't read it. But I was thinking, I know the book, we've read it a million times. It's a super short book. I can take two minutes and read this book to her, give her a quick snuggle, and then she can go play and I can go back to what I'm doing. And so I was thinking like, okay, well,
think about like the little nuggets. like, me, today they wanted to go outside and ride bikes and I was not feeling well as you can tell, I'm a little under the weather. And, but I was like, you know, actually fresh air would probably be good for me. So I got my cup of tea, we went outside and they rode their bikes and after like 25 minutes, I just said, guys, I gotta get back to it. Like I've got to start to do something. So in we go and I, you hopefully just these little bursts will get us through.
Ashley Vanerio (15:03.766)
because yeah, it's just been, it's been crazy and there's no end in sight.
Kelly Rigg (15:07.058)
Yeah.
No, and I think sometimes when we're faced with the feeling like our weeks are just taking over and whatever your situation is, whoever's listening, whether that is too much work, whether it's the house is a mess, whether it is that you've got a lot going on with high needs kids and disabilities, you've maybe got your own health struggles to be dealing with, whatever it is that tends to suck the life out of your week a little bit and just stops you from actually having that time to...
Ashley Vanerio (15:18.187)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (15:36.952)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (15:40.54)
to really feel like you're able to be intentional. I think it's one of the things that was said to me back a very, very long time ago in my kind of self-growth journey was that everything is a choice. Now, at the time that really annoyed me, like it would most actually, because the concept of everything being a choice feels really quite frustrating when you're absolutely run ragged.
Ashley Vanerio (15:54.2)
Mm.
Kelly Rigg (16:04.892)
by your choices, whether you want to accept that they're choices or not. And obviously, don't get me wrong, obviously disabilities and illness and stuff like that, maybe not. everything else that we choose to do, whether it's the job that we do, whether it's the clubs that we go to, whether it's the fact that we are trying to prioritize the kids all the time and not prioritizing ourselves, whether it's kind of, I don't know, not setting a boundary around a certain thing to allow you to be able to go and have a lie down or do you know what I mean? Like whether we kind of...
Ashley Vanerio (16:06.55)
Yes.
Ashley Vanerio (16:33.601)
No.
Kelly Rigg (16:34.812)
However we choose to live our lives and some of that can be incredibly intentional with the hope that it's obviously going to allow our kids to have XYZ, more opportunities in you, like more freedom, whatever it is, or whether it's the actually, you know that you need a nap sometimes and if you don't get one, you're gonna be a monster. So actually this is a hard boundary and we're just gonna have to set this one kids. You just have to learn to leave me alone and let me have an hours kit once in a while. Like whatever it is that you choose to do in your life.
that ultimately we are living our lives. It is our life. We are figuring it out. And when we are faced with the overwhelm that is an overstuffed calendar or a lot of high need stuff going on and actually we're not feeling like we're coping with it that well and everything just feels a little bit chaotic, that we have to kind of ground ourselves in the concept that actually we have chosen this and we can choose something else. Like,
If this is not working for one reason or another, we can choose to do it differently. And maybe that isn't an instant fix. Maybe that is something which takes time for you to mull over and work out and to pick through. But it sometimes can be as simple as literally looking at your week and thinking, okay, we're literally at a club Monday morning. Like we come home, we do a class Monday afternoon. We're out at this on Tuesdays. We're there on Wednesdays.
dropped off to a drop off thing all day Thursday, then we're going to swimming Thursday night and then we're picking up. Like if you get to the point where you look at that calendar like I did and did this whole like horrendous mark everything in red on the calendar and this like time blocks the whole thing out just to really look at it and to see is there actually any white space? Have I left any windows of time? And I literally noticed I had three days a week where I had one hour that did not have.
a bit of travel time or sitting and eating lunch and sorting the kids out time or like whatever. One hour until they were in bed at like 8.30, 9 o'clock at night. then obviously sometimes some evenings me and you are sat here recording too in the evening. So like even that last little tiny nugget of the day is spent like doing a little bit of work. And I know that we're not alone and I know that most parents are very much in the hustle culture these days. We've got an awful lot to kind of try and keep up with and times are hard.
Ashley Vanerio (18:43.364)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (18:56.828)
But we have got to be really conscious then to look at it and go, okay, I can't sustain this forever. Like it is doing me and I don't have enough time to think about anything extra. And I sat there thinking, gosh, this doesn't even count for like going and doing a food shop or cleaning the house or like doing some extra like important things. kind of need that booking appointments or like wondering for the future or planning for the future or any kind of DIY or.
Ashley Vanerio (19:13.922)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (19:21.23)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (19:26.074)
anything. What? Like, how am I supposed to actually, like, have an intentional life that's allowing me to to grow my vegetables and to bake my bread and to get outside more and to take care of myself if my week is literally 730 until 830 at night, red blocked out? Like, that's insane. And it absolutely needs to change. And
Ashley Vanerio (19:39.482)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (19:54.458)
I honestly had never truly looked at it properly that way and actually tried to time block my days out to see where the gaps were because I was thinking that I had time that I was just wasting it. Like, I don't know, try to have a coffee and scrolling on my phone. But I realized that me having a coffee scrolling on my phone is usually me doing a little bit of work on my TikTok for like content, or it might be answering some emails or it might be writing a blog or it's doing something like researching something for the kids or planning another social occasion or.
Ashley Vanerio (20:06.715)
Hehehehe
Kelly Rigg (20:22.28)
laughing with a bunch of you guys about nice looking people we've met recently. There's always something really important I'm doing on there, I'll count that as important, it was hilarious. But ultimately we are literally like, I was like, this is silly. And I was like, and I'm quite an intentional person. Like I am genuinely trying to live intentionally. I'm trying to be a conscious parent. I want to feel connected to myself, to my kids, to my life.
Ashley Vanerio (20:32.955)
It was so hilarious, my gosh.
Ashley Vanerio (20:46.819)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (20:52.048)
And this is crazy. And so I literally, I was like, right, this is stopping right now. Like we have got to go back to basics again. And so I am looking at going ahead, how I can carry on some of this half turn slow down into my future to open up some more gaps in my week, to slow it down that little bit more and to allow myself to stop feeling like my head is running faster than my body can keep up. Like that I cannot ever quite achieve everything it wants to achieve. And so I live in constant frustration and disappointment.
And that's not healthy. And all of us then find ourselves staying up until silly o'clock, desperately trying to retain some sanity by scrolling on nonsense. yeah, it's just, it sounds crazy, the concept of slowing down, but again, I'm on a rant now. But there was a thing that I was thinking about recently that is quite funny. you think back, say, I don't know, go back a hundred years and you suck out a load of the technology we've got now.
Ashley Vanerio (21:24.207)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (21:49.704)
and you therefore would shrink people's worlds, right? Just shrink people back into what they would have been expected to achieve in a day. And it's really fascinating. If you really think about it, they did not have the kind of cars we have now. They would not have traveled for half an hour in a car. They could have been like, what, 10, 15 miles to go to a piano class and then come home again. Parents would have been expected to wake up.
Ashley Vanerio (21:53.691)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (21:58.544)
Yes.
Ashley Vanerio (22:14.854)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (22:20.486)
get their kids washed and, in fact, they probably wouldn't have gotten their kids washed and dressed, the kids would have it for themselves. And they would have grabbed something quick, scrap of bread, and they'd have gotten out in the fields and they'd have gotten on with doing whatever they had to do, jobs in the house. They'd bake some bread, they'd make some wholesome food for their family based on things they'd grown themselves, reared themselves, could get in the local market. Yes, okay, there were people, they would have had jobs potentially, they would have been out doing busy things in their society too, but.
they would not have been expected, like the visual of like what a great life is these days for their kids. They would not have been expected to have them well-traveled. They wouldn't have gone all around the world. They wouldn't have been doing three different instruments and two languages and ex-posed. Like, this is crazy. Like, this is great opportunities. Yes, do what you love doing, yes. But for goodness sake, what we are expected to achieve now is nuts.
Ashley Vanerio (23:14.652)
Thank
Kelly Rigg (23:18.726)
Isn't it? It's crazy.
Ashley Vanerio (23:19.086)
Yeah. Yeah. It is. my gosh. It's so hard because I feel like this is a whole nother conversation I could go off on about, but I think you hit on something earlier when you mentioned boundaries and I think that the boundaries can go both ways, right? It can be saying, I'm, I'm, I'm going to hold this line and say that we're going to have a slowdown week every time it aligns with half term. We're going to only do five outings a week.
And that could be like three in one day. Because sometimes we've got art class, we've got swimming, and those happen the same day. You know, something like that. But it also goes the other way in saying, you know, a boundary that I have is every Tuesday night, I have field hockey practice. And so my husband knows he has got to be home so I can go to practice. And if he's not going to be home, it's going to be for really
unescapable work reason. And it's only happened once or twice before. so and then on Saturdays, I have a game. And so he knows that sometime on Saturday, you know, it could be 1030 in the morning, could be 4pm at night, I'm going to be gone for roughly three hours, maybe four, depending on where the game is. And that's, that's super important to me. So even though it's not a
Kelly Rigg (24:19.912)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (24:46.533)
money-making thing for our family. just a hobby. It's still something that it would be very easy for him to say, hey, I've gotten invited to this work dinner on Tuesday and I want to go. And it's just, you know, some people, but he just knows now that that's, unless it is truly important, not just a casual catch up, then
Tuesday nights just don't work for him. And I think this is one of those things that you kind of mentioned with the changing environment that we're in now as compared to, you know, 50 years ago, a hundred years ago, even, even 20 years ago, just the expectation that we are always available. We are always on our phones. You can always reach us. And there's so much good that comes from that working from home, flexible schedules. like praised that.
Kelly Rigg (25:30.344)
you
Kelly Rigg (25:35.484)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (25:40.936)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (25:41.178)
it's so fantastic. And I think it helps so much with work-life balance and mental health, but it can also easily tip the other way into having, someone constantly checking their phone at the dinner table or out call coming in or being expected to get online and work until the night on a dealer project. I I used to do that all the time. so I think, I think that
Kelly Rigg (25:48.375)
huh.
Ashley Vanerio (26:09.235)
there's gotta be boundaries and they have to be appreciated and respected, recognizing that sometimes things are gonna happen and you just have to be able to be okay with it. yeah, boundaries I think are crucial to that slowness and to maintaining our own, yeah.
Kelly Rigg (26:28.646)
Yeah, and I think having boundaries, having boundaries with yourself as well, because it's all very well kind of asking other people to respect our boundaries. But how often do we set one for ourselves and then not actually adhere to it? Like I recently sorted out my screen time limit on my phone. And I laugh because honestly, what is the point of a screen time limit when it literally has a little button pops up saying ignore? It's like, so I just ignore it.
Ashley Vanerio (26:42.205)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (26:46.271)
Don't ever look at that button.
Ashley Vanerio (26:56.969)
Great.
Kelly Rigg (26:58.652)
And every time I do it, just say, I'm really sorry for myself who desperately wanted me to actually go to bed at 11 o'clock at night and to stop staying up until one in the morning playing a ridiculously mindless game that has absolutely no purpose whatsoever in my life. But I'm sorry. I've had a day and so I want to spend two hours playing this stupid game and I don't care what you have to say. And that is just so disrespectful.
Ashley Vanerio (27:05.797)
Your intentions were so good.
Kelly Rigg (27:28.316)
like truthfully, like that me who set that boundary was saying, I'm tired. I'm so tired. Please let me get a good night's sleep. I desperately need sleep. If I don't get sleep, I'm grumpy. And I'm really disrespecting myself by saying, actually, this doesn't work for me. I'm just gonna do it anyway. And this is something which can be, if you extrapolate it out and you think to yourself, okay,
Ashley Vanerio (27:51.711)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (27:57.746)
I'll ask you this question in a second because I want to know if there's a thing that you take your kids to every single week that actually you really wish you didn't have to go. Is there something that you do at the moment that you literally genuinely dislike it, don't enjoy going, it's a rubbish time of day, it always feels really hard for you? Is there a moment like that for you?
Ashley Vanerio (28:17.983)
I'm trying to think. I don't think, yeah, I think it just sometimes depends. I get frustrated at things that are in the middle of the day. So like if it's, I prefer things to be in the afternoon. And, and the reason is because if we're getting started with our day at home and we're starting to do a little bit of schoolwork or whatever that looks like.
Kelly Rigg (28:20.796)
Maybe not all the time, maybe just sometimes or.
Kelly Rigg (28:32.296)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (28:44.967)
And then suddenly we have to be somewhere at 1130. That's like, I'm not going to do anything. Nothing's going to get done before that. And then nothing's going to get done after it when we get home. So like, sometimes if something like that pops up, then I get annoyed. Like I will say our French class is a little bit like that. It's a, it's a touch too early in the day because it basically means we can do stuff until lunch, but then we eat lunch. And then after that, it's like,
Kelly Rigg (28:51.56)
No.
Kelly Rigg (29:00.424)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (29:07.976)
Ehh
Ashley Vanerio (29:15.207)
we go to French class and then after that we're at the park, which I'm not saying is waste of time. It is not. but there's never a coming home and getting back to anything, you know, no one's cleaning, no one's doing school, no one's doing anything. So yeah, I will say that, but I actually enjoy French. So it's not like I don't like going. It's just maybe a timing issue.
Kelly Rigg (29:20.06)
No.
Kelly Rigg (29:35.282)
Hmm. Fair enough. So I've got a couple of things in my week which I genuinely dislike going to. Swimming is one of them. It's too hot. I don't like the noise level. The acoustics are terrible. I genuinely dislike it. It's not a bit of my week on it for me. It's also really late for me anyway. We don't tend to do evening things. So we're literally there for five o'clock and we're not home until quarter to seven and it's just too much. like, yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (29:45.534)
I hate. yeah. Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (30:02.728)
So there's moments in my week that if you think about it right, if I was to cancel swimming for the kids, and obviously I'm going to, it's a life score, I think it's important. Once they can both learn to swim and they're good, then we'll cancel it. But for right now, they need it. But ultimately, if I was to say, do you know what? This is too much. It's a horrible time of day. I don't want to do it anymore. We're canceling it. We're not doing it anymore. My kids would be disappointed. And they'll maybe be upset about it for a while. And actually they really love it.
Ashley Vanerio (30:13.853)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (30:32.26)
And that in itself feels really rubbish, doesn't it? That concept of taking something away from them that we know that they really enjoy. But if you then flip that on its head and instead of them being disappointed, let down, feeling like their needs are being ignored, their wants are being ignored, and you actually think about the fact that every single time I take them to swimming, I am letting myself down. I am putting myself in a sensory nightmare, something which really stresses me out.
is exhausting time a day. I don't normally feel good. Usually I haven't eaten enough. I haven't drunk enough. I haven't whatever enough. That is a time a day that is usually at home, making some dinner, relaxing, letting go of some of the stresses from the day, readying for bedtime. Like this is not a time a day I enjoy being out. And ultimately that means that I am feeling disappointed and let down and like I don't care about myself every single time I take myself. Now it's, is it like...
Ashley Vanerio (31:08.009)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (31:28.998)
These are compromises and we do choose to put ourselves out of our comfort zone. It's not the end of the day. I can't be constantly in mine and then constantly out of theirs. That's not how life works. So we have to then look at our week and think, okay, once in a while is fine. But actually, how do I feel about all the things I'm taking my kids to? Does my routine feel good to me? Am I just doing it all because I don't want them to be disappointed and feel that down?
Ashley Vanerio (31:37.323)
Right.
Kelly Rigg (31:54.598)
Because if ultimately all I care about them is them being disappointed or let down, am I actually caring at all about me being disappointed and let down? And it's really like, you really look at it from that perspective and start to think, hang on a minute, actually, like if you're listening to this and thinking, God, you're right. Actually, I am letting myself down all the time. Like I am begging myself to slow down. I'm tired. I'm fed up. I'm whatevering. Then please take this as a sign to really think.
Ashley Vanerio (31:55.105)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (32:21.932)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (32:23.268)
is there something that's sure okay the kids might be a bit disappointed and that's okay. If you need a minute, like if you need to slow your week down a bit that's okay, like it sucks sometimes. They're gonna have to learn this in life, they're not always gonna get everything that feels good, but ultimately you deserve to feel good too and we're supposed to be living a great life right alongside them, like we're not sacrificial lambs, we're not here to be sacrificed at the altar of our kids.
Ashley Vanerio (32:35.959)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (32:40.641)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (32:52.46)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (32:53.51)
And if we're not setting those boundaries for ourselves and honouring ourselves, respecting ourselves, then actually we end up resenting them. And that's what's scary about that. It's not us that will resent, it's them, because it will feel like they have taken it all away from us. And that's not true. We have, because we haven't honoured ourselves. And I think that's the biggest important lesson that I constantly have to remind myself of when I'm starting to feel stressed like this, is that they don't deserve
Ashley Vanerio (33:21.035)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (33:22.972)
to grow up seeing me saying I'm sacrificing all the time and getting mad at them for not appreciating it enough or whatever, when ultimately it was my choice. And so it's, yeah, it's a big thing for me. It's something which I worry about a lot.
Ashley Vanerio (33:32.514)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (33:38.668)
Yeah, it's, it's, I forget where I read this. I forget who said it. I think I've probably mentioned it on this podcast before. but there, I come back to this when I'm having these thoughts, like what you were just describing is that, the biggest indicator of child, of a children, a child success, like ability to thrive in life and adulthood, is not what school they go to or grades they get or anything like that. It's the happiness of their mother.
And so I always think about that, like at the end of the day, if I start to go down this path of being a grumpy, horrible person to be around, and I'm not happy and I'm miserable and they see that, that is not ultimately helping them in their life. And so if I have to make some changes to write that, then I'm going to do that because I know that that is going to be a very important component of their
growth and thriving as an adult. and then the other thing I was thinking as you were saying that about swimming, so just on like a humorous note is that I just remember the one day I think you have swimming on a Thursday and it was, it was Friday and you were like, wait, we didn't, we didn't go to swimming yesterday. I just forgot all about it. It was like, didn't even tell me it was like,
Kelly Rigg (34:53.928)
Mm.
Kelly Rigg (35:00.392)
It just didn't even dawn on me, not even a little bit.
Ashley Vanerio (35:07.96)
the day, the next, very next day, you're like, huh, we just had a lovely evening. We were at home, we had dinner, we were relaxing together and just whoop. So even your body will naturally push that out.
Kelly Rigg (35:20.764)
It's literally... Yeah, yeah, it definitely does. It's not the first time I've quite literally forgotten about it entirely. So it's clearly not a part of my day that I look forward to. But yeah, the kids are usually pretty mad at me if we manage to forget it. But it's, yeah, it's fascinating, I think, that all of this is... it's... Also, I don't want to like beat anybody with a stick right now, because if you are not happy...
Ashley Vanerio (35:29.187)
Hahaha.
Ashley Vanerio (35:33.197)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (35:47.942)
right now if you are in a place like I have been recently where actually you are not happy like you are snippy and you are tired and you are grumpy and you are a bit fed up and you are maybe getting a little bit I don't want to swear but like whatever with the kids like we're getting a little bit moody and not very nice and sometimes yeah I just I really find myself thinking you just must be the most horrible person to be with right now like and it's not their fault
Ashley Vanerio (35:51.522)
Yeah, we all have.
Ashley Vanerio (36:05.902)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (36:15.972)
And obviously I do have high needs kids and I have high needs myself. We all live in our sensory nightmares and so we do trigger each other and it is stressful sometimes. But ultimately I know that I'm doing my best and that you're sat here listening to this and you might be sitting there thinking now, what could I change? What could I tweak? How could I let me feel a little bit less let down each week? And honestly,
Even if you manage to make it one minute, like one additional minute a day, where you are consciously, I don't know, like as you take your first sip of your cups of coffee that you make for yourself, actually stop and taste it. Every time you step outside, just look up at the sky and just notice the clouds or look at the beautiful colours of the trees or just every single one of those teeny weeny mindful moments.
actually can start to heal and help you to feel a little bit more connected to the world around you, a little bit more in the moment and start to stop you from constantly being in tomorrow, next week, whatever issue you're worried about. And I mean, like I am on the third leak in my house of the year and I caught myself on the brink of a meltdown about it this morning, being like, really?
Ashley Vanerio (37:12.675)
Mm-hmm.
Ashley Vanerio (37:31.061)
yeah.
Kelly Rigg (37:38.28)
Like I joked about this year not yet being over when someone said to me in the day, like, hopefully that's it now. Like no more stresses this year. And I was just like, why don't say that to me? Like that's like, there is still months left of this year. And so I know that I have got more money to spend. And it's really stressful. And I said to my son this morning, I'll come down and play Minecraft. Like first thing this morning, literally like right as we were waking up, I was like, I'll come down, we'll play Minecraft. And
Ashley Vanerio (37:43.588)
I'm like, wait.
Kelly Rigg (38:07.994)
As I went down the stairs to start playing Minecraft, I noticed how far up the stairs the leak actually was. Like I'd noticed it damp on the wall downstairs and so I noticed. And so I tracked where it went and then I went outside and I had a look at the wall outside and then I went upstairs and I looked at the bathroom. And before I know it, it's now breakfast time and we're doing something else. And I've basically gone back on my promise and he's super upset with me that I didn't just come and sit and do it with him.
I was like, you know, like, I'm busy. I'm sorry. This is important and you need to understand that I need to call a plumber and I need to sort this out. And he was just so disappointed with me. And I think in these moments, you can feel really rubbish that you're not parenting well enough in that moment. You're not.
Ashley Vanerio (38:58.232)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (39:06.632)
honouring your promises, you're not doing the right things. And I just want to give everybody a little bit of compassion here because things happen and life is messy and it's busy and disappointment is a part of life. And our kids sadly will experience it and need to experience it. They need to know how to handle it. Like they need to hear our true apologies. They need to hear our reasons. They need to learn how to have compassion for people when they get busy or when they get stressed and have difficult moments. And
I guess that we could look at this from a thousand different directions, but I guess the point is that it's okay if right now this phase of your life is not a particularly happy one. It's okay if it's not all panning out perfectly and things are not beautiful and rosy and you haven't felt like doing loads of Halloween crafts this week and you're not going to do some magic homemade costume like you do normally, or maybe it's their birthday and you haven't been able to bake their cake and you've had to buy it when you normally love to bake it or
whatever it is that you are sacrificing or just lowering expectations a little bit, putting something down, saying, actually, this isn't going to happen right now. Like, I just need a minute. It's OK. This is important. You're actually being intentional. You are being kind to yourself. That is just as important as being kind and loving to your kids. And I guess, from my perspective, that's what's been really important for me the past few weeks is to remember that
like it's a cliche phrase of like you can't pour from an empty cup but the truth is that if you aren't happy then you're going to have a very hard job making your kids happy and so we do have to feel as much as possible like we are honoring ourselves, respecting our own boundaries, loving ourselves, adjusting our life to be more intentional so that we actually feel good in it so that we're able to do the same for our kids and we're not going to want to do it for anyone if
we're suffering all the time. Like we're just not going to enjoy it. And that's, I don't see the point in my kids having the very best childhood whilst I sit on the sidelines of it, miserable. What is the point of that? Like, and as you say, are they really going to have the very best childhood if I'm sat on the side of it miserable the whole time? Probably not. And I think it's.
Ashley Vanerio (41:06.526)
Yeah.
Ashley Vanerio (41:20.363)
Yeah, at the end of the day, yeah, sorry to interrupt you, but I think at the end of the day, largely they just want to be with us, right? At this age anyway, not later, but for now, for now. Yeah. Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (41:25.276)
Mm.
Yeah, precisely. Yeah. We'll take it. Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah, just lots of love, I guess, and no beating yourself up. Like, we're all in this together. It's hard. And as home educating mums, we were saying earlier, like, it's a lot and we're busy people and it's okay if things have kind of gotten away from us a little bit. And if we're in a stressful phase that could last months, it could last a year or two.
Ashley Vanerio (41:48.746)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Rigg (41:58.158)
it will work itself out. Just keep being kind to yourself and hopefully you'll start to make some little tweaks, little moments and it'll start to make a difference.
Ashley Vanerio (42:02.323)
Yeah.
Kelly Rigg (42:09.544)
Alright guys, well I'll wrap it up there and let you guys get on with your week. Thank you for listening as always. If you want to make sure that you're getting notified of episodes as they go live, do make sure that you have subscribed on whichever platform you're listening to this on. So Spotify and Apple obviously, both of those, so you can obviously click subscribe on there. But also if you wanted to kind of join the mailing list, then I do tend to send an email out each week as well and let people know about the episode. That is a bit more sporadic, I'll be honest.
But we are, we're definitely here most weeks. So if you make sure you subscribe to the, you should definitely get a notification that we've popped up another episode. But as usual, we'll be back next week and yeah, we'll carry on up until just before Christmas. So enjoy guys and thanks. Thanks again.
Ashley Vanerio (42:39.785)
Hehehe.
Ashley Vanerio (42:56.596)
Have a good one.
