The pandemic made us all think. I’m not unique in that.

Millions of us found ourselves ripped from our previous lives and placed in a new one filled with fear, anxiety, loneliness, overwhelm & confusion - but for me there was something else too - a sense of calm in slowing down, connection, creativity, rest, inspired ambition and a craving - for the new, slower, quieter way, to STAY.

It is no surprise to me that home educating has risen dramatically during this pandemic as so many must have experienced this sensation too - could it be different? Could we take a different pace, a different tact? Could our children be happier, more passionate, free-er and ambitious too if we let them follow their own natural rhythms? Could we be better connected? Could WE be happier if we did all that too??

I recognise my privilege here and I know that this life is not what is experienced by all - we were so very lucky not to be hit financially by the pandemic and to not lose anyone we loved to it too. I had to go 'back to work' far sooner than I would have liked to with a small baby at home - with rising living costs it was essential, but a small price to pay compared to some.

When the pandemic began I was crippled by panic - I was suffering from post natal depression and anxiety, medicated and receiving therapy but I had a 5 month old baby and a 3 year old son. I was used to him being at nursery 3 days a week and just like that, he was home. Just like that I had no support system, no grandparents to come give me a rest, no husband home - as an emergency worker he was working longer shifts and more of them. I was terrified we would catch the virus, terrified about what that might do to me, to my family. I was paralysed by it all.

I found myself spending most of our days in the garden, listening to that exceptional quiet and playing with my children - coming up with countless ways to fill our days and despite it all I started to feel happier than I had ever felt. I had been freed from our routine, meeting people, running errands, pushing tired little ones too far past nap time…the post-nursery, overtired tantrums seemed to slow and cease as naps were had when needed, we ate when we needed, we snuggled or played or read books or rough-housed when needed.

It wasn’t all roses but my God it was better. So much better.

As the world started to open up again, and options became available - my son went back to nursery, our routines became busier again - what happened? Well I think you can guess. I realised all over again how much better off we had been in a lot of ways and it made me start to wonder about the next phase - him starting school and what life was about to look like. It scared me, it all felt so unnatural and the expectations of society started feeling restrictive - I didn’t agree, I didn’t want to be away from him all week, I didn't feel he would cope much less be happy. I wanted to learn with him, travel, explore the world together, I didn’t want it for me, for him, for our family and for once I was about to find the strength to make a change….

And so here we are, off-roading motherhood and what it means to me…

We are taught from a very young age, as women, that our role is to get good grades, be a good girl, don’t be too outspoken, outgoing or wild, don’t be meek or too quiet, don’t get fat! Don’t be too skinny though…or smart, nobody likes a smartass, ease up on the sarcasm, don’t swear, don’t eat in front of boyfriends, your supposed to be a grown up, why don’t your shoes match your outfit??

Our lives get filled with ‘rules’, expectations, we should go to work, build a career, have babies - then what??

If you are anything like me the phrase ‘now what am I supposed to do?? Nobody told me what happens now??’ Will have taken root by now.

I had followed the rules best I could but I never fitted in, my relationships were inauthentic and shallow, I both feared and perpetuated judgement and I squashed and squeezed so much of me out of me that I wasn't sure what was left - and here I was, responsible for inspiring the next generation.